Have you ever just thought about what it means to run on empty? I mean really thought about it. For me, when I hear that phrase, the first thing that comes to mind is a car without gas. We all know that cars can’t function properly without gas. You essentially can’t get from point A to B without gas, so is running on empty actually a thing? Why yes, yes it is!
Let’s Ponder for a Moment
People, unlike cars, are incredibly resilient and are capable of doing things that other explanations in this world would deem impossible. Not to sound cliché but I’m sure at some point in our lives, we’ve heard how an ordinary mother can miraculously pull a car off of her child if the need arose. The adrenaline present in the body is powerful enough to initiate a temporary change, granting the mother superhuman strength. When you think about it like that, I suppose it would be possible for something to run on empty, or in this case someone.
The Big Reveal
That someone I’m referring to in this instance is me. Yes I, AJ, am indeed in a period of my life where I have been running on empty. But what exactly does that mean? No, I’m not talking about physically running on an empty stomach, although that idea would serve as a pretty good example. Alright, let’s run with it…see what I did there?
In order for an athlete to run efficiently, there are a few conditions that must be met. They should have a good pair of running shoes, clothing and accessories to protect them from the elements, an adequate rest and recovery period, and optimal nutrition. What do you think would happen if a runner attempted to run something ridiculous like a marathon on an empty stomach? What about if they had been in a period of starvation and in one singular moment of madness, decided that it would be a good idea to run a marathon. Insanity right?! Chances are, the runner would crash and burn halfway through the race, IF they managed to make it that far. But what if this runner had some intense will power and determination and was able to finish the race, albeit in last place, but they finished?
Impressive isn’t it? What would you say if that same athlete entered into another marathon immediately following. Ok slow down big boy! The runner managed to repeat the same outcome as the prior race and immediately enters another. What are you doing?!?! Let’s just say this process continues for the foreseeable future. Talk about running on empty. Just CRAZY! That, my friends, is essentially what I’ve been doing for the last 365 days, give or take.
A Year in Review
I’m sure I don’t have to say that 2020 was a difficult year for a majority of us. There are scores of people who experienced a year full of abundance and joy, even in the midst of a pandemic. I, however, can’t really say the same. My year looked more like unemployment, death, relocation, depression, grief…all of the things. Essentially, 2020 was the proverbial fire that came and burned everything to the ground. While in one way that can represent healing and opportunity…which it has…in other ways it has shaken and essentially broken my mental stability to the point where I literally have to attempt to reassemble the scattered pieces. Humpty dumpty seems to come to mind here.
I’m not going to lie and say that this process has been easy. Instead it has been filled with anger, doubt, depression, nostalgia, sloth, happiness, sadness, contentment, discontent, impatience, and gluttony. Some serious stuff. One of the hardest things to do is to keep taking steps, even when you feel like you can’t. Those of you who are spiritual know that you can find plenty of scripture that addresses what to do whenever you get weary. To be honest, when you go through something like this, you struggle just to hold yourself together. You literally have just enough energy to pick yourself up. Don’t even think about being cheerful. It’s not that I don’t want to be cheerful, I’m just having trouble seeing the sun through the gray skies and clouds that’s all.
Oh the Memories
I remember a time when I was able to go to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed, no matter what happened the day before. My superpower must be hibernating because I haven’t been able to do that at all! Earlier I said, sometimes you have just enough energy to pick yourself up. Well the truth is, sometimes you don’t and you know what?….that’s perfectly ok. Society has a bad habit of telling us how we should deal with situations and what we should do should we ever come face to face with different scenarios. Truth be told, everyone is different. Each of us has a unique set of triggers and baggage and generational curses that will ultimately affect how you deal with certain situations. There isn’t a one all be all type of solution. What I will say is that it’s important to keep trying. I know that teeters a fine line between do and don’t. One of the most important things I have learned/am learning is that it’s important to stay mindful.
If you wake up one morning and realize you can’t get out of bed, stay there. Take a few moments for yourself and ask how you’re feeling. If you listen to yourself deeply enough, you’ll hear the answer. Ponder on that for a bit and then try to get out of bed again. The takeaway here is that we don’t listen to our feelings enough. We tune in like soldiers and throw our feelings on the back burner. Don’t do that. The secret to being whole is to listen to your whole being and then give it what it needs. Simple as that. Now actually doing that is difficult but you must be diligent. I’m learning how to do this every day. It’s a process.
From Now On
Peeps, mental health is important and running on empty doesn’t have to continue to be a thing. I know this post didn’t follow the usually cheerful tone as some of the others but life isn’t always cheerful. I promise that I will be more expressive about what’s really going on. After all, that’s what this blog is about. Establishing community. I’m a real person and this is real life. We have to talk about real issues.
If you or someone you know is dealing with depression and need somewhere to turn, please visit: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline. There are resources at your disposal.
Until next time my Colorful peeps!
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