I was having a conversation with a good friend the other day. Like any good friends who haven’t spoken in a while, we started to reminisce about the good ole days. Days where it seemed like our biggest problem was staying up late to finish our assignments and figuring out how to get more meal points to eat. Albeit then, those things felt like they weighed the equivalent of the world, the titans of today wouldn’t even flinch at the mouse like problems we seemed to have back then. Adulting is hard! Why didn’t anyone actually prepare us for the REAL issues we were going to have post high school, post college? We shared some good memories and laughed those gut wrenching laughs that leave you in tears. Laughter is good. It felt good! We vowed to keep in contact better than we had and bid each other adieu. Of course when the phone conversation ends, the memories don’t! If you’re anything like me, you’ll recap the memories you talked about and then relive those you didn’t. The memories…oh the memories!
Memories from a distant past
As my journey down memory lane continued, I found myself reliving a time that for the most part, I deemed painful. My time in Philadelphia was one that had almost equal shares of success and strife. I think it was the first time in my life, up until that point, that the good didn’t outweigh the bad. Usually, I can be so optimistic…but not about Philly. I moved to Philadelphia right after I graduated from undergrad. I was bright-eyed and ready to pursue my new career as a professional dancer. Moving there had a purpose. What I didn’t expect was all the pain that came along with it. I made significant strides in my artistic pursuits but had some devastating setbacks in my social ones. I spent most of my time alone. Of course I had friends but everyone knows that your friends can’t be held completely responsible for all of your experiences. What is your time like when you’re not with your friends? Friends can definitely enhance an experience but they aren’t the whole thing. The weird thing was, I felt isolated inside the workplace and outside of the workplace. I worked really hard to move my way up the ranks within our company. I became a principal dancer, artistic director of the youth performing company, and one of two touring outreach teachers. In areas where I thought I would be supported, I was isolated. Of course, back then, I convinced myself that I didn’t care and I was going to continue to achieve, no matter what, but deep down inside, I was hurting. All I wanted was friendship, companionship, support, but for some reason I wasn’t getting that.
Pillow Talk
Years later, after leaving Philadelphia, I decided to pursue therapy…which I’m a HUGE advocate for. I was touring North America with a Broadway Tour and found myself having the same experience I did in Philadelphia. Okay, now wait a minute. I had convinced myself then that everyone else was the problem – but are you telling me that I’m the problem now? What am I doing?!?! What my therapist said to me next was really eye opening. *Spoiler alert* – He didn’t say that I was the problem, in fact, it was how everyone else was perceiving me, but it did help me view myself in a way I never had before. He told me that I had been and have always been relentless in my pursuit for achievement. I never gave anyone else a chance to fill in the cracks because there weren’t any. Take my time in Philadelphia. I was working so hard to show that I was a capable dancer and that drive worked out to my advantage. I was almost always casted, I had special privileges and opportunities, and couldn’t understand why the people I was spending the most time with weren’t happy for me.
Although I never threw any of my achievements in their faces, what I didn’t realize was that they didn’t have space to be happy for me. They were hurting for themselves because they wanted the things that I was getting. Unfortunately for me, that led me to a long time, five years to be exact, of isolation. In all of my hurting, I never stopped to consider the ambitions of those around me. This created such a HUGE dilemma for me that has stuck around for YEARS!
The Dilemma & The Origin
So here’s the dilemma. In order for me to have friends, connections, support, I have to reduce my achieving capacity so that everyone has a chance to achieve. However, you’re not supposed to stop being an eagle to fly among the pigeons, (I think I butchered that saying). Can you guess which of the two I have conditioned myself to do since the beginning of time? The correct answer is both. Somehow I’ve managed to shrink myself personally and achieve professionally. How is that even possible? Maybe if Adryan the person isn’t threatening and meek and reserved, everyone won’t care when he achieves. Too bad that scenario is false. It doesn’t work.
That desire to achieve stems from my childhood need to be seen and accepted. When I was a child, I didn’t care about how my classmates viewed me. I cared way more about what the adults thought. My parents, the teachers, the principals, all held the currency I was looking for. I guess when you’re a child, you don’t really start to comprehend the intricacies of social life until you mature a bit more. By that time though, it was too late for me.
The Decision
I’ve learned a few things since then and those things have turned into a resolve. Here’s what I’ve realized:
- You can’t expect people you compete with every day to be your friends.
- You should ABSOLUTELY try your best to reach your goals and then surpass them (your goals not the people)
- Make sure that YOU are actively telling and giving yourself what you need.
- Your real friends will find you.
- If other people have a problem with you because you’re amazing, that is NOT your problem. Don’t make yourself responsible for their discomfort. If they want to do better, they can work just as hard as you to be better.
I would be lying to you if I said that I have all of this figured out now…because I don’t. The same old feelings and habits and people keep creeping back into my life. The scary part is how willing and easy it is to shrink yourself when you’ve been doing it for so long. I’ve got to fight that urge. You can’t make people listen to you and you can’t make people see you. That’s why it’s extremely important to listen to and see yourself. Remember, if someone who is supposed to listen to you, support you, and value you, doesn’t, I guarantee it’s because there is a part of them that feels shaken by you. It sucks to not be seen and hurts even worse to not be heard, but at the end of the day, that’s life. All you can do is what you’ve always done…be the best you that you can possibly be!
Until next time,
Stay Colorful!
